Full Fixture Information

Result Descriptiom

Lost by 3 wickets

Man of the Match

Tim Clay - For adding a few runs and three Catches behind the sticks (stepping in for the injured be

Champagne Moment

Josh H for his massive baseball swatting six

Teddy Bear Moment

Wayne for dropping a dolly of all dolly?s SJW.

Full Match Report

Match report EMCC vs Newport Inn

Result: Lost by 3 wickets

I was wondering how one might portray this weekends game against Newport, whether or not to follow the footsteps of Mr Wheeler (not Jeff) in his fine writing skills, bumble along like Mr Corbin (sole man) with full tosses or half trackers, who id doubt has ever written a match report or even owns a computer. Should I take the Wayne approach, probably not as there would be to many expletives, and I might quite whilst writing this for dropping the ball in the explanation of the day?.. Hmmm who should I take the lead from I wonder, our captain maybe? Nope, I think I?m going to take it from the line of the day which was ?your just a shit Jeff Wheeler? curtesy of Oli directed at Cook senior!! More later.

So, we couldn?t really ask for a better day for it as the weather was perfectly set for a spectacular day of cricket. 25 degrees of heat, beautiful sunshine beating down on the ground, clear blue skies. The hot nuts bar was open, with reminiscent tunes of tour booming out, the beer was already flowing!!! What more could you ask for!! Maybe this was a tour warm up, new team, music playing, drinks flowing and good-looking support due to arrive!!

Andrew walked out to the middle with opposition skipper to toss off, sorry toss up and came back with a large smile, indicating we were batting. Perfect, hot day, with a win toss bat, although I?m not actually sure he wone the toss, but just a shit Jeff wheeler really.

So, in we go, Olli and myself the author (Timbo) going in at 1 and 2 respectively. It started quickly with Olie off the mark very sharpish and, In true Oli fashion, slotted one straight to point only to be dropped by the oppositions Wayne (I do like mate) you lucky boy. After 2 overs we were 30 off 2 overs, it was looking like it was going to be a fine day, unfortunately, Oli bless him played a leg side flick of the legs perfectly, but somehow the keeper pulled off a worldy one hand grab down the leg side. In comes Jimmy, runs keep flowing until I decide to half-heartedly go for a drive and get caught at deep mid-on. It was my turn to be a bit if shit Jeff wheeler!! Sorry Jeff, I do like you really. Ali makes his way to the middle pretending to be broken with injury, but can still leg it up and down the wicket hobbling at the end of each run. Play a few good shot but as it seemed to be the way of the day, got out cheaply, I can?t remember how.

Andrew to the crease and both he and Jimmy started to score runs and it looked like we were back on track until Jimmy was undone by the bounce of the pitch, or not bounce, and a straight one. Back to the hutch for 43 I think. Josh was in and soon after Andrew was out after being bullied by a child with a half bouncer in the ribs and basically cried. He too then spooned one and again picked out the fielder who could catch, not their Wayne. In came Cook junior, while Josh swatted a no ball for a massive Six, shot of the day if you ask me. It was almost like he was playing baseball. Cook junior fell for one, bowled, missed a straight one a little like Jimmy. Cook senior comes in to see if he can make use of his sons new purchase, nope only got 5 Joshy, although played some beautiful shots, slapping it around the ground, fell to a straight one. Sole man enters, Cook falls. Wayne enters; Sole man plays a stunning drive for 4 with Wayne trying to dodge the ball at the other end. But alas, Sole man couldn?t see us through to tea and we were bowled out for 181 with Wayne carrying his bat for 0. Would it be enough???

Let tea commence, and a fine tea it was. Certainly better than the shit Jeff Wheeler affair last weekend, no wotsits here. Beautiful sandwiches, predominately made by Cook senior, not his son. Cake, Quich, crips, pork more cake, beer, beer, profit-o-rolls!! What a spread and was enjoyed by all.

To the second half. Well it was interesting shall we say, and plenty to talk about. So, Sole man down the hill and Wayne up the hill what could we do. Sole tried to bowl his usual, but failed to find the pitch, throwing down a fair few full bungers, not using the facilities, or a little short. Wayne on the other end, not so bad, had some great line and length and was so very unlucky not to get a wicket. I don?t know how many overs it was until we stuck but it felt like an eternity, but sole man finally got a breakthrough with the finest of edges and caught behind buy yours truly. More luck than judgement on my side. Josh on for Sole man, and Jimmy in for Wayne. Josh, unusually struggled with line and length with a few opportunities but nothing fell for him, although he thought a catch was on for Nick De-Fizz, fell short and Josh started bullying the northerner for cowardness and started early fines, another SJW moment. Jimmy on the other end got the next break through with another caught behind from a top edge. Jimmy almost had another, with the ball sailing out to cow corner were Cook junior took a stunning catch but decided to take strolled over the boundary, it was so SJW. Jimmy took another after the batsman the ball before, pre-empted a shot sending it for 4, which hot nuts didn?t take kindly too. LBW and he was gone. Finaly a little bit of pace came on in the guise of Oliver, instantly pinging the ball into the ground and getting some aggressive lift, however the batsman just seemed to flap the bat around and score runs. Olly getting a wicket with some good field placement from him, not Andrew, with the better wheeler catching a fine catch at silly. Jimmy stuck again with another catch. On comes De-Fizz, bowled some dross and finally bowled a straight one getting LBW. We had a bit of pep in our pants. Andrew brought himself on to change it up and with his first ball strikes with another caught behind. Allas it was all a little to late, Newport batted very well and won by three wickets and was a well-deserved win for them.

All in all, it was disappointing to loose, however, the sun, the beer the great support from club members watching and drinking from the side, 8 counted walking around the outfield at one point. Supporting the new club enterprise of Jimmys bar. It?s always to a pleasure to play cricket, or try to play cricket (in my case), with you misfit delusional weirdos all pretending to be the best Jeff you all can be. But at the end of the day we were the 'shit Jeff Wheeler yesterday'! Oh well Wheeler happens?.but I love you lot.


FYI: just so you know, I?m the shit Jeff Wheeler of reports. As my grammar, punctuation, my ability to write a structured sentence and general reading and writing ability is crap!! However, I don?t mind being a SJW, it could be worse, I could be Ali.